is an even greater “The Nurses.” Welcome to “The Nurses,” the show that you watch while
you’re waiting for the doctors.
I know what
you’re all thinking.
You want to see the doctors
but you’re just going to have
to settle for the unsung heroes
up here who do
all the real work.
And don’t worry, we know more
than the doctors, okay?
If you don’t have a fever
and you blow your nose
and it’s clear, you’re fine.
Because doctors can be
It’s like, we get it,
You’re super busy.
And we’re not busy?
Don’t give us any attitude. If you are rude,
we’re rude. We’ll give it right back to you. (audience claps)
Thank you. Okay, let’s take a question
from the studio audience. Yeah, thanks, hi. I’ve been told
that my cholesterol is– Step on the scale, please. Wow, okay. Uh, you want me
to remove my shoes? (all)
It doesn’t matter. My cholesterol is too high. What can I do
to address this issue? I guess,
like, Google it? You know what,
you gotta wash your hands. And wash them longer
than you think, okay? Two “Happy Birthdays.” A doctor would say that
my cholesterol is connected to washing my hands? I’ll tell you what a doctor
would say. “Blah, blah, I want to bang
every pharmaceutical rep that walks through my office
door in a pencil skirt. Blah.” That’s what a doctor would say.
(audience claps) It’s like, I wear
pencil skirts, you know? I wear ’em all the time, and I can’t even Dr. Rosen
to look at me. Okay, this isn’t really
the time for that. Thank you. Here.
Piss in this. Do you want me to leave it in
the bathroom or bring it out? (all)
Doesn’t matter. I can’t today.
I can’t. Okay, we are getting a lot
of questions about keeping your doodies regular. Mm-hmm,
Here’s what I do: Coffee and a cigarette. Boom, like clockwork every day. Easy, thank you.
(audience claps) You’re welcome. Happy birthday,
Jocelyn! Oh, you guys. (Amy)
Jocie! A cookie cake!
Yeah. My favorite! We know you love cookie cake. Happy birthday. Everyone owes me $3. I’m actually not
going to have any. Even if you’re not
gonna have any. It’s a party, okay? Yeah, I have a question
about prescriptions? Sir, we will call you
when we’re ready for you. Okay? I did not
forget about you. Sit down. (clears throat) Sir? Sir! We’re ready for you now. Even though we’re
technically still on break. What’s youremergencyquestion? My question is about
prescriptions. Step on the scale. Is she talking to the air?
Step on it. Ahh! Oh, no! (screaming) Oh, God! My legs are cut off! Someone, please,
call the doctors! Call the doctors! Uh.
He’s gonna die on television! Someone get a doctor! Look at his legs! It’s in half! Both legs are in half! Dr. Patel? Oh, what a shocker. Well, can somebody go find him?