Healthcare, Puerto Rico Aid, Special Olympics: Everything Must Go!
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Healthcare, Puerto Rico Aid, Special Olympics: Everything Must Go!


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN
COLBERT.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN LIVING IT UP SINCE THE BARR REPORT ON THE
MUELLER REPORT TOTALLY CLEARED HIM OF HALF THE CHARGES. AND THAT IS A HUGE BOOST, AND
YOU CAN SEE IT IN HIS APPROVAL RATINGS. ON MARCH 23, THE DAY BEFORE THE
MUELLER REPORT WAS DELIVERED, TRUMP WAS AT 41.9%. BUT TODAY, WITH THE COLLUSION
CLOUD LIFTED, THAT NUMBER HAS SOARED TO 41.9%.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHICH IS A DIFFERENCE OF… LET ME SEE. 41 POINT…( LAUGHTER )
AH, NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE. BARR’S REPORT ON THE MUELLER
REPORT CHANGED NOBODY’S MIND ABOUT DONALD TRUMP, WHICH IS
SURPRISING. I TUNED INTO MSNBC LAST NIGHT
FULLY EXPECTING TO SEE “THE RACHEL MAGA SHOW.”( LAUGHTER )
“OKAY, IT WAS 1982 IN NEW YORK. A YOUNG DONALD TRUMP WAS PLOWING
SUPERMODELS AND, IN TURN, MAKING EACH OF THEM GREAT AGAIN.”( LAUGHTER )
VOTERS WERE ALSO ASKED IF THEY HAD A MORE OR LESS FAVORABLE
VIEW OF TRUMP AFTER MUELLER’S FINDINGS. 39% SAID MORE FAVORABLE, WHILE
43% SAID LESS FAVORABLE. SO WHAT– LET ME GET THIS
STRAIGHT. AFTER FINDING OUT THAT HE DIDN’T
COLLUDE, PEOPLE LIKED HIM LESS.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WAIT, WAIT, I DON’T– WHAT? WAIT.>>Jon: DON’T MAKE NO SENSE?>>Stephen: NO COLLUSION? WAIT A SECOND, I WAS HOPING HE
WAS CONTROLLED BY PUTIN. BECAUSE THAT GUY KNOWS WHAT HE’S
DOING, UNLIKE PRESIDENT NUMBNUTS OVER HERE.” STILL, BILL WIN FOR TRUMP. I MEAN, HE HSD BEEN
ROPE-A-DOPING ON THIS MUELLER THING FOR TWO YEARS. AND NOW HE FINALLY HAS A CHANCE
TO GET ON AMERICA’S GOOD SIDE. STEP ONE: TAKE AWAY EVERYONE’S
HEALTHCARE, BECAUSE TRUMP IS TRYING TO KILL OBAMACARE, AGAIN.>>Audience: BOO!(ANNOUNCER):
“MR. TRUMP, YOU’VE JUST BEEN CLEARED OF COLLUSION. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?”
(AS TRUMP)
: “I’M GOING TO ROLL A DIABETIC
OFF A CLIFF.”( LAUGHTER )
COME ON. COME ON, SWEETNESS. LET’S GO.” HOW DUMB IS THIS GUY? IN THE MIDTERMS, HE GOT HIS ASS
KICKED BECAUSE HEALTH CARE WAS THE TOP ISSUE FOR VOTERS.(AS TRUMP):
“OW! OW! THAT STOVE IS HOT. LET’S TRY THAT AGAIN WITH
SOMETHING ELSE.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S A METAPHOR! IT’S JUST A METAPHOR, JON. NOBODY THINKS KILLING OBAMACARE
IS A GOOD IDEA. AS ONE G.O.P. STRATEGIST PUT IT,
“THEY ARE COMPLETELY TONE DEAF. W.T.F. IS WRONG WITH THEM?”
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THEM? WHERE T.F. DO YOU START?( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP TAKING AWAY YOUR HEALTHCARE IS EVEN BEING OPPOSED
BY THE TWO PEOPLE WHO NOW HAVE TO TAKE AWAY YOUR
HEALTHCARE: HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES SECRETARY AND MAN WHO
CHANGED HIS MIND MIDWAY THROUGH THE HAIR TRANSPLANT, ALEX AZAR,
AND ATTORNEY GENERAL AND OWL WHO WON’T TELL YOU HOW MANY LICKS IT
TAKES TO GET TO THE CENTER OF THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION,
WILLIAM BARR. OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, BARR–
BARR– THE ATTORNEY GENERAL– NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL BARR, HE
CLEARS TRUMP OF OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE. AND NOW HE’S GOT TO BE THE GUY
WHO TAKES AWAY EVERYONE’S HEALTHCARE? IT EXPLAINS WHY TRUMP INTRODUCED
HIM LIKE THIS:>>I WANT TO WISH OUR NEW
ATTORNEY GENERAL GREAT LUCK AND SPEED AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE. BILL, GOOD LUCK.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“YES, GOOD LUCK. YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT, BECAUSE
YOU TAKE AWAY PEOPLE’S HEALTHCARE, THEY’RE GOING TO BE
PISSED AND WITH NOTHING TO LOSE. I’D HAVE SOMEONE ELSE START YOUR
CAR FOR A WHILE.”( LAUGHTER )
SO WHY IS HE DOING IT? WHY IS HE DOING THIS? ACCORDING TO SENIOR ADVISERS,
TRUMP “CAMPAIGNED ON REPEALING THE HEALTH LAW. HIS BASE OF VOTERS WOULD
LOVE IT. BESIDES, THEY ARGUED, DEMOCRATS
HAVE BEEN CAMPAIGNING SUCCESSFULLY ON HEALTH CARE, AND
REPUBLICANS SHOULD TRY TO TAKE IT OVER THEMSELVES.” WHICH MEANS HAVING A PLAN, WHICH
MIGHT BE A PROBLEM, BECAUSE FOR THE LAST NINE YEARS THEY’VE BEEN
TRYING TO REPEAL OBAMACARE, THEIR REPLACEMENT HAS BEEN
“HEAVEN SEEMS NICE.”( LAUGHTER )
“DON’T YOU WANT TO MEET JESUS?” AND SO FAR, SO FAR, THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION HAS PROVIDED NO INDICATION IT HAD ANY SPECIFICS
FOR WHAT WOULD TAKE OBAMACARE’S PLACE. IN FACT, MARCO RUBIO SAID OF
TRUMP, “HE DIDN’T OFFER A PLAN.”(AS TRUMP):
“LISTEN, MARCO, IF I PLANNED, I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD ERIC.”( LAUGHTER ).>>Jon: OH!>>Stephen: “OKAY? THINK ABOUT THAT? THINK? THINK.” TRUE STORY. BUT IT’S NOT JUST HEALTH CARE. YESTERDAY, IN HIS MEETING WITH
REPUBLICANS, TRUMP SAID HE OPPOSES FURTHER DISASTER AID FOR
BATTERED PUERTO RICO.(AS TRUMP):
“LOOK, WHAT MORE DO THEY NEED? THOSE PAPER TOWELS I THREW AT
THEM CAN BE USED AS FOOD, SHELTER, AND IN A PINCH, THE
CARDBOARD TUBES MAKE VERY GENEROUS LOVERS.” AND– I’M GLAD YOU LIKED THAT
ONE.>>Jon: WHOA!>>Stephen: I’M GLAWD LIKED
THAT ONE. I WAS ON THE FENCE, BUT NOW I’M
SOLD! OKAY.( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY! THAT’S BAD! THAT’S BAD! ALL OF THAT STUFF IS BAD– THE
HEALTH CARE, THE PUERTO RICO, THAT’S BAD. BUT IT’S NOT CARTOON VILLAIN
BAD. IF YOU WANT CARTOON VILLAIN BAD,
LOOK NO FURTHER THAN SECRETARY OF EDUCATION AND WOMAN–
( BOOING ) WOMAN APPALLED THAT YOU
CHRISTENED YOUR YACHT WITH DOMESTIC CHAMPAGNE, BETSY DEVOS. DEVOS WENT BEFORE CONGRESS
YESTERDAY TO DEFEND AT LEAST $7 BILLION IN PROPOSED CUTS TO
EDUCATION PROGRAMS. YEAH! NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW! THESE KIDS HAVE HAD IT TOO GOOD
FOR TOO LONG. CRAYONS AND COLORED PENCILS? WHAT’S NEXT, MARKERS?! I SAY WE SHOULD GO BACK TO THE
OLD DAYS WHERE EVERY CHILD QUARRIES THEIR OWN SLATE; THEY
ARE ISSUED A SINGLE PIECE OF CHALK, AND WHEN IT RUNS OUT,
YOU’RE DONE WITH SCHOOL! BACK TO THE TEXTILE MILL! CHANGE SOME BOBBINS! YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR BOBBINS? BUT IT GETS WORSE. THEY’RE PROPOSING MILLIONS OF
DOLLARS IN CUTS TO PROGRAMS FOR STUDENTS WHO ARE BLIND AND
ELIMINATING ALL FEDERAL FUNDING FOR THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.>>Audience: NO!>>Stephen: NOW, OBVIOUSLY, IT
WOULD BE EASY TO SAY THAT THAT’S EVIL. BUT IT WOULD ALSO BE ACCURATE. THEN, THEN–
( APPLAUSE )
WHAT HAVE WE GOT? HEALTH CARE, DISASTER RELIEF,
CHILDREN. THEN, THERE’S GLOBAL WARMING. TRUMP OPPOSES THE DEMOCRATS’
GREEN NEW DEAL, WHICH PROPOSES CUTTING GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS
TO NET ZERO BY 2050. THAT’S AMBITIOUS. NOW, THE PLAN SAYS NOTHING ABOUT
GETTING RID OF CARS OR AIRPLANES OR CATTLE. OR AS DONALD TRUMP PUT IT:
>>I REALLY DON’T LIKE THEIR POLICY OF TAKING AWAY YOUR CAR,
OF TAKING AWAY YOUR AIRPLANE FLIGHT. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO OWN CARS
ANYMORE.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“NO AIRPLANE FLIGHTS, NO COWS, NOT TO MENTION FLYING COWS. HOW ARE THEY GOING TO JUMP OVER
THE MOON NOW? THAT’S WHY I’M CALLING FOR SPACE
COW FORCE. ALL RIGHT? IT’S TIME TO RETURN TO THE
MOOOOON!

About Bill McCormick

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100 thoughts on “Healthcare, Puerto Rico Aid, Special Olympics: Everything Must Go!

  1. Why is he taking Healthcare away? He can't get over John McCain's "thumb down"! One more thing he can't shake. What a lame-brain illegitimate president, nothing presented to replace healthcare. Just dumb moves again and again and again. Incompetent … . Perhaps he wants to be declared incompetent to stand trial.

  2. Steven, you have really just turned into such a slime, I loved you long ago. Give up the Trump thing………….tiresome.

  3. All in all, the future looks bleak if many american voters aren’t able to make the right decision. But who is to tell them? I think history must do.

  4. Catholic religion is a tool of the greedy, perverted, elite, white, immoral ruling class. Don't allow any religion to hy-jack your spiritual principals.

  5. I have come to the conclusion that Trump is far from stupid – it's the deplorable that believe the stuff he commits like "you are not allowed to own cows" that are dense. Trump is just evil and mean

  6. its harder to watch this after the Mueller thing, the comedians hyped it up so much, and then nothing. seems too political.

  7. When trump turns on her what nickname do you think he'll give Betsy? CruelaDeVos? Bimbo DeVos?
    Actually, both references are probably beyond him. He'll likely go with something like Shrill Betty and not even get her name right.

  8. We still know nothing.
    A fragmentary sentence out of 400 pages is just a bit shy of any truth.
    “God’s speed” is usually used on someone who’s passed.
    And His new target is the Special Olympics.
    Some may think that, that’s OK,
    I Don’t‼️

  9. Birdie, birdie in the sky, whoops! dropped some whitewash in my eye, me no worry me no cry, me just glad cows don't fly!!!

  10. I love Colbert! But the DOE funding for the Special Olympics were cute because the program gets more funding than they need in private donations and fundraising campaigns. It doesn't make sense for the government to fund them if they don't need it. That money could be spent on trying new education programs or bolstering educational opportunities for people with disabilities or low-income students in other ways.

  11. What's the definition of insanity? Do the exact same thing again, and expecting a different result! 'Nuff said.

  12. Pretty sure me and everyone I know lost their healthcare because of Obama but let's not let facts get in the way of a good joke.

  13. More like the Maddow Russia Report! I can't stand Trump and used to like Maddow until she REALLY overdid it regarding Russia. So,, do people do not know that Russia helped the US win WWII and then after Reagan screwed them, we expanded NATO when we said we wouldn't, though I don't know much about the internal politics of the newest NATO nations. It ALL seems so pointless, war, why can't people work towards a common goal. Watch BSG for a great show.

  14. "Crayons, colored pencils and markers" should be bought by parents, but often it's the teachers who have to pay out of pocket!

  15. I'm curious what the subject matter will be once the Mueller report shows exactly what the AGsays. I have never seen such vitriol against someone because their tweets hurt feelings. These wild theories and speculation are getting boring and really sound pathetic.

  16. The Space Cow Force would make an impressive sight on the Muuuuhn.. Why not join the ride HeadUnderYourArmpit-InChief?

  17. The collusion cloud hasn't lifted yet. Barr said there was no collusion with the Russian government. Donald Jr did send emails saying he'd like to meet the Russian lawyer to get information on Hillary. That Russian lawyer has links to the Kremlin. It doesn't look like the Russian government wasn't involved.

  18. It was irresponsible to repeat GOP lies and not correct it. I mean, it seems so ridiculous you wouldn't have to, but many will actually believe the Green New Deal outlaws cows.

  19. I can only Imagine in horror how much Bestsy Dovos and the Trump administration has destroyed certain areas of public education to the detriment of a untold number of the next generation of improvised children..

  20. Since the American People paid the salary of every single person in the F.B.I. and DOJ who worked on the Mueller Report and also pay the salaries of every single Congressperson including Mr. McConnell, we want to see the report. We paid for it. It's ours to read at our leisure.

  21. Is it just me or the do the Chump morons seem like they are just going through the motions at his speeches. Seeing a lot of dead faces lately. It's almost as if the average Chump supporter is actually smarter than their "leader". But its ok… after education gets cut completely off, we will finally start getting our newest, bestest generation of 80 IQ idiots who will pave the way for America's final death rattle… MAGA!

  22. I wish everyone would stop saying tRump was cleared of "Collusion", he really hasn't , Mueller punted it to congress, as he wasn't 100% sure…………I think only 99%..Lol

  23. We have the most comical, ignorant, unhinged, out of touch President ever and even though he's screwing America and her people over, we must admit that he keeps us young with laughter and a yearning for more knowledge to disapprove all of his thoughts and beliefs.

  24. Now all of Americans realize “how dangerous,donald duck”
    All of Americans is soooooo innocent.
    What is his plan? Steal our taxes and put it in his pockets.
    And sells Our national top secret and make money
    It is simply money money money.

  25. Colbert could do that hand thing with the calculator forever. I love it so much! I still remember when he did it in "Strangers With Candy".

  26. Don't worry people, the Simpson's predicted that Trump would get assassinated. So, it's only a matter of time

  27. There was no collusion, but contrary to what Trump claims, he was not exonerated. That's probably why his numbers are at 43% unfavorable

  28. What happens to Trump once his term is over? Will he still be able to live in America?
    Will there still be an America to live in or will it be so screwed up that people would much prefer to live on the moooooon?

  29. Trump's vile supporters love this stuff just because it will upset people. Also, they think the ACA and Obamacare are two different things and that Obamacare is some special entitlement program only for blacks. If anyone deserves no health care it's them.

  30. way too many dumb americans still have no idea how health insurance is supposed to work and just hate obamacare, even if its the first time in american history that their health system is not on the level of a third world country.

  31. 41.9%? . . . . How can that be? I received an email a week or so ago from the Trump Campaign, wanting a donation (year, right) and they claimed Trump's popularity rating was 93% . . . . yup, another lie right from the horse's aaaaaaaa, mouth.

  32. if we cant own cows anymore, someone needs to go ahead and slaughter the cow in the white house before they say (or do) any more stupid shit

    take your pick on which person im referring to as a cow… you have several choices, both literally and figuratively.

    of course, why stop at just one? remove them all and save us from this embarrassing catastrophe that reveals just how completely stupid they, and those who blindly follow them, really are.

  33. How is Trump going to use, travel to California, as an example of ridiculousness at one of his speeches? Lol I thought his base hated that state, why would they want to travel there?

  34. No exoneration for Trump in the case of collusion! He did it in plain view, remember? Or have you been brain washed by Barr’s „report“ and Trump‘s endless mantra? Stupidity seems to be an American hallmark.

  35. Ancient Rome had Nero, he is best known for completely being out of his mind and ran the
    craziest empire ever! He left his entire empire with feelings of anger and dissatisfaction, along with  a path of chaos behind him, sound familiar?

  36. "Attorney general and owl who wont tell you how many licks it takes to get you to the center of the Russian investigation." I laughed so hard in my lunch break

  37. It's not the report that people cared about. It's a moral issue. I mean, trump and his admin team, did, after all, rip kids from parents and locked them away in cages and a warehouse, not to mention tried to ban Muslims from the country (which included actual Americans who were aboard and followed the religion), he banned trans people from the military, sent 39 missiles to the wrong area of a certain country (people love to forget that, since that was one of his first orders after he became "president.") Not to mention he endorsed people like roy moore, (and many other things he did which are on your list.) I don't blame the 43% of people who don't favor him. I am with them – cuz he actually hurt people and it wasn't ok.

  38. can someone explain to me why i should pay taxes to someone who is actively destroying the planet i am living on, making it impossible for me to think about getting kids, cause its probably pointless since this planet is doomed?

  39. Donald Trump fake national emergency he wants the rest of the money for himself and his family it's not only for the stupid wall 😠😡

  40. I'm sick and tired hearing Donald Trump disgrace he doesn't care about people he only cares for himself and his family

  41. The headline for Barr's answer on changing sides on the case to quash the ACA, "Barr admits Americans who lose health care if they win the case". It's a double problem for Trump and the GOP. He said that we shouldn't worry because Trump has a better plan. Did he miss the intense lobbying to convince Trump not to try to pass a health care bill this year?. The Dems should move now to end taxpayer subsidies the Pres and members of Cong. They should also be required to buy insurance through the same exchanges their constituents use. Trump thinks health ins is a luxury so let him buy his own policy. The second prob – what will Barr say when a judge asks him what the impact will be if he strikes down the ACA. If Barr says there will be no impact even if there is no alternative it means he lied to Cong. If he admits there will be people hurt he hands all 3 branches of govt to the Dems. Canada's right wing parties learned the hard way that trying to threaten people's health care is a big deal and big vote loser

  42. Well(hear it in the great Trump impression voice that you do) you CAN.. Maby.. Tell him to.. For instance allow abortion laws in his own country (just an example – to tell hem what can he do FOR YOU first.. Like.. Maby HAVE a plan TO IMPROVE YOUR health care.. Maby a plan for good import-export policies with ALL the countries around the world.. Maby learn some geography and economics.. Even if those teachers will be slapped, fired, draw him funny explanatory cartoons, get a laugh and the fired again.. Some info will have to stay in his nut of a brain.. No..? Then talk to the gray cardinals that chose him for you(sounding too conspiracy – crazy right now..? Well if so – then all this shit is totally and only ON YOU Americans..!.. How'bout that?) withhis clowny act – everyone forgot too quickly about the GOLD THAT WAS STOLEN FROM ALL THE WORLD AND THEN DISAPPEARED FROM AMERICA TOO.. or about the fact that more people in the world LIKE PUTIN BETTER because he(at least) tries to eliminate the need for importing meat because pigs and cows die of the food geneticalli made to have all the children of the world obese and baren-and a very large portion of American people KNOW THESE THINGS are now just groping their heads with "aaaa! Truump!" insted of thinking of a plan..) it is all just too much.. For anyone..

  43. 3:03 așa mi-a vorbit-o pe dizzy, băi… că cică-i "o metaforă". eh, i s-o fi îndeplinit dorința, cine poate ști??

  44. Lets face it he does not want to be president. He has almost done nothing to improve anything He says he wants the USA to be great. But 2 trillion more debt and not taking care of us while smooching putin is no way torun this country

  45. I live in Washington and have taken the train down to Oregon, I have to imagine that the train down to Cali is just as beautify and boring as the other

  46. Insurance <> Healthcare

    I get that not having insurance makes healthcare inaffordable because of how absurdly expensive it is (something that subsidizing insurance doesn't address), so this is a bit of a nitpick, but it's still a low-key annoyance when people refer to Trump's attempts to end the ACA as "taking away your healthcare".

    Trump's not trying to take away healthcare, he just wants only the rich to be able to afford it.

  47. THEY WHANT TO Destroy Alaska, THAT'S WHAT TRUMP WHANTS TO DO, IF YOU LET HIM YOU WILL BE. SO SORRY THE YOU WILL FEEL IT TO YOUR BONES. THE FISH WILL DIE FROM BECAUSE OF TRUMP.

  48. Only in America would people defend the President trying to kill the idea of not having to pay an arm and a leg to get your leg or arm amputated. Are his supporters really going "Gee, what I'd really like to go with my surgery and the worry and the stress of being injured and needing to go to the hospital is a giant ass medical bill!"

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